Are you excited to read the rest of this abysmal excuse of an article?

“I caught him betraying me,” wailed the email from a stranger named Mary. “He’s been watching porn. Why? And how can I ever trust him again when he watches women do anything he wants?”
How the writer uses the word wailed in this context is a bit... questionable. It seems as if he wants to tell us that Mary comes off as a nagging broad. But since wailing could just mean that she sounds like she is hurt, I will let the use of "wailing", in this context, slide. It does indeed seem like Mary is hurt, and that she is asking questions because she wants to understand the situation she is in.

I get this email from Mary, or Maria, or Mishti every single week. 
Why is he coming off as a demeaning jerk? The fact that this guy gets emails from so many women every week about the same topic is because they do not understand the situation they are in, and they would like to understand what is going on in their husbands' head. Instead of trying to shame them for looking for help, why don't you be a kind man and explain it to them, mister Klein?

The questions and themes are remarkably consistent:
* Why do men watch porn?
* Why do men promise to stop watching, and then keep watching?
* Why don’t men understand how their porn-watching breaks women’s hearts?
* How can I make love with a man who watches porn?
* How can I trust a man who watches porn?
* Aren’t there any men who don’t hate women?
Those are very legit questions and very real concerns someone can have when being in a relationship or when married. Also, I have come across many women in my life who have expressed these exact thoughts and concerns. Although, the last question seems as if the author just added it himself to make it seem as if women think that every man in the world hates women. I never heard a woman utter those words (except maybe for those "feminazis"). I am pretty sure the author made this question up; as I am sure that no one would send him an e-mail being concerned with their husband watching porn while in the same breath uttering the words "are there any men who don't hate women?". Give me a break.

I feel sympathetic toward anyone who feels betrayed, and so yesterday I responded:
He feels sympathetic? Bitch, where? He was being a mean little man throughout the entire response so far. Making little jabs at the lady (and other ladies) who wrote him, seemingly making fun of their justifiable insecurities.


Dear Mary:

* Men watch porn because it's entertaining to watch naked women (&/or men) while they masturbate. It generally has nothing to do with how they feel about women (or men).
If this is true then why can't these men masturbate to the thought of their naked wives? Or, if they really need something to look at, why don't they ask for nudes or home-made videos of their spouse? If they know it hurts their wife's feelings, or it makes their wife insecure, why would they continue with such behavior? Just because something is entertaining to me, doesn't mean it won't hurt others.

Also, if this is true, then please explain to me how most avid porn watchers create fetishes that they before watching porn never had? (source) Or how some porn users start getting certain expectations their girlfriends/wives can't live up to? (source) And that not only men, but women also have certain sexual expectations after having been exposed to porn? (source)

And let's not ignore all the studies that have been done on how pornography can rewire your brain (source), the countless of first-hand experiences of people who have had a hard time quitting pornography (source), and, of course, the article titled What Porn Does to Intimacy published on the same website mister Klein's article was published on (source).

Besides that, it seems that the author is giving off some homoerotic vibes, saying that it is okay for a straight male to watch homosexual pornography. It is as if he is implying that men who watch homosexual males engage in sexual acts has nothing to do with how they feel about those men. To me that just seems very, very odd and raises red flags immediately.

* Men don't watch porn because their partners are inadequate. 
Why do they watch it then? This is not a proper response by the author at all. I'll just explain it for him then because it seems like he left his brain in his mom's uterus which is probably why it is so difficult for him to come with proper arguments to explain something to this poor lady named Mary. I'll do your job for you mister Marty Klein, Ph.D:

Men watch porn because it is easy. Which is also why all these men will go for Susan who is at your local pub every Friday night looking all cute with her perky boobs and mini skirt, because these men heard that it is easy to get Susan to spread her legs (nothing against Susan though) (Susan can dress and act however she wants).

Men also watch porn because of peer pressure and societal expectations. I have talked to many under-aged males who feel like they have to watch pornography to fit in, because their friends talk about it and they feel left out if they don't behave the same as them.

There are probably more reasons why men watch porn, but I feel like it is not something I should spend a lot of time on. To me, it doesn't matter what their reasoning is for this behavior. What matters to me is, is that they are hurting their spouse with it.

Men think it is normal to watch pornography, that it should be accepted, and that no one can argue against it and that is where they are wrong. That's why it is important for the more educated people under us to share our knowledge with these men, so they can make educated decisions about their personal lives.


* Some men are jerks. Some of them watch porn, others don't. Most men aren’t jerks. Some of them watch porn, others don’t. Porn-watching doesn't predict jerk-itude.
I have to agree with this one; just because a man watches porn he does not instantly turn into a jerk. Although, if a man chooses his porn over you (aka not keeping his promise of not watching porn or deciding he doesn't want to give up porn for you) he is a jerk. Because anyone who breaks a promise or chooses entertainment over their loved one is a jerk!

Also, most men who are avid porn watchers are worse bed performers (source) and these also men are more prone to having limp dicks (source) which then also makes the overall bed experience less... pleasurable for both people involved. Still, doesn't make them jerks tho.

Although, it has been shown that porn consumption lowered commitment when being in a monogamous relationship in both men and women, but with a stronger effect on men. It has also been shown that pornography consumption was positively related to infidelity and this association was mediated by commitment. (source)

So, according to my previous source, you could argue that men who watch porn are more likely to turn out to be jerks! Which makes Marty Klein's Ph.D's argument invalid.

* Men promise to not watch porn because they don't want to deal with their partner's pain or anger. It's an inappropriate promise to ask for, and it's a foolish promise to make.
Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. Is this guy seriously arguing that men just straight out lie to their significant other, because they do not want to deal with their pain and anger? Are you kidding me? And he then continues arguing that women can't ask of their husbands' to quit a habit that hurts them? And that men are making a foolish promise to give up said habit that hurts their significant other?

He basically says that men (in general) often lie to their wives and make false promises because they don't want to deal with their emotions. Is this man from a different planet or is he just a psychopath because he sure seems to have no empathy at all. Does he really think all men are like that? He really is insulting so many men on this planet with his arguments.

In a relationship you have to work towards happiness, not just lie to not have to deal with your partner's pain and anger. Come on, this isn't 3rd grade anymore, Marty. Anyone in a serious marriage who is actively negating their partners' negative emotions shouldn't be in an adult relationship, let alone a marriage. I'm pretty sure most adults know this, except for Marty of course.

But let's say for argument's sake that mister Marty Klein Ph.D just argued this because it was an educated guess as to why husbands lie to their wives. Fine. But then why didn't he argue that this is unhealthy relationship behavior? Why is he saying that it is inappropriate for the wife to ask the husband to stop doing something that hurts her, but it is okay for the husband to walk away when the wife gets upset about something? That is not a marriage, that is a relationship 12 year olds have.

On top of that, when the husband gives up porn he doesn't really give up anything. He doesn't lose anything with it. He can still masturbate, just not with imagery of (other) naked people. I don't think that is too much to ask for at all, especially when in a marriage. It is more difficult for the wife to work through all her emotions of betrayal and hurt and getting over the fact that her husband is knowingly hurting her. Also, seeing that watching pornography can be harmful to you (source), it would be a smart decision for him to quit his unhealthy habit all together to make himself a better person which will then directly positively influence his marriage.

* Men shouldn't break their promises. 
Yeah, they shouldn't. Neither should women. But according to mister Ph.D it is okay for men to lie so they don't have to deal with their wife's pain or anger. But breaking a promise?!??! That is a no-no!

I am also pretty sure that, a sentence ago, he said that it is stupid to make certain promises, especially if you know you are going to break them. So, what is it? Should men lie about making a promise so they can get away with behavior that will hurt their wife, or should they not break a promise they knowingly are going to break anyways? Why can't we talk about encouraging couples to keep their promises and to support each other when it comes to letting go of bad habits instead. Why is mister Ph.D never talking about healthy and positive behaviors in relationships?





* Women shouldn't go hunting for evidence of men's private behavior.
I don't think it is healthy for anyone to hunt for anything, especially when it comes to their significant other. But if your husband would be breaking promises constantly, engage in hurtful activities, lie as if its nothing, and dismissing your emotional well-being, then I am not surprised "these women" are hunting for evidence. They want to know why he does this. They want answers. They want to understand.

I, however, don't understand what this has to do with the question Mary initially asked you: "How can I trust a man who watches porn?". Again, Marty is totally negating the question to make the wife feel guilty again about feeling emotionally betrayed.

You are a poor excuse of a therapist of anything, mister Ph.D.

* Almost all conflict about porn is actually about something else. If your partner never watched porn, would you two have an ideal relationship? I doubt it, but if so, let go of the porn issue and enjoy paradise. If not, talk about the stuff you really need to talk about. If he refuses, let him know that not talking is a deal-breaker for you.
Again, this answer has nothing to do with the question Mary asked: "Are there any men who don't hate women?" (although I am convinced you made this question up, Marty).

So, he argues all conflict about porn is about something else; but how is it? Yes, maybe it is. Maybe it is about being scared you are going to lose your significant other to someone younger, bendier, and better-looking. Maybe it is about some other internal insecurity that person has. Maybe they feel it is degrading. Maybe they are scared their husband will become addicted. But again, mister Ph.D doesn't argue any of this. Instead he blames the wife AGAIN, without any logic behind it.

He never utters a word about the husband not taking the wife's emotional well-being into consideration. Is it nice living inside of your misogynistic bubble where all men are the übermensch and women are just nagging incubators, Marty? Have you maybe considered that the porn thing is the only thing the wife has a big problem with? That all the other tiny things in their relationships are just small hardships they can easily overcome? That the husband's pornography issue is not small, at least not to her, and it hurts the wife significantly? Can your ant-sized psychopathic brain deal with such a question? I doubt it.

Kind of disappointed that mister Ph.D thinks it is normal for people to not be in an ideal relationship, while the opposite should be the norm. That said, if the person is in an "ideal" relationship, and porn is an issue, then they are obviously not in an ideal relationship. You tell Mary, and all other women, to just let go of the porn and enjoy paradise? How can they enjoy paradise when their relationship isn't "ideal"? These women feel BETRAYED and HURT, how can they let go of such a thing? Why can't the men let go of their stupid porn and enjoy paradise? Why don't you suggest that? That misogynistic bubble must feel like paradise for you, Marty.



Some women seem to feel that there’s an implicit contract that their partner won’t watch porn, even though he never suggested such a thing. Therefore, they feel betrayed when he “breaks” the assumed “contract.” That’s a mistake. 

When you get married to a person, you more or less sign a "contract" that  you are their everything; they don't need anyone else in the world, through sickness and in health, no matter what. Watching porn is basically like being replaced by another woman for a little while, so he can get his quick little fix.

Maybe it was a mistake that you ever became a sex therapist? Because you seem like a perverted porn addict and excusing hurtful behavior inside of a relationship; basically saying "hey! it is okay! to hurt! your wife! she is! just! a nagging! bitch!" That said, if a woman never talked to her husband about porn before and her stance on it, then it could come across as silly that she has such assumptions. Although, in my eyes, is it really that weird to expect from your significant other that you, as their partner, are enough to satisfy their urges? You married this person and they are looking at other people in a sexual setting? Doesn't sound right to me.

Here is a nice article that talks about that topic: Yes, Using Porn Is Cheating. Here's Why.

Some women seem to feel that because their partner watches porn they find disgusting or scary or confusing, they have a right to object to him watching it. She has no such right, any more than he has a right to patrol the TV, novels, or videos she watches. In an adult relationship, whatever objection she has to his porn shouldn’t carry more weight (or less weight) than his objection to her CSI or romance novels or cat videos.
Sigh.. this... this just shows how uneducated and ignorant you are, Marty. And I would almost even argue, inexperienced when it comes to relationships.

You can't hold pornography to the same standard as innocent little things you can enjoy together. When you mix pornography with any of the media you mentioned you will go into sexual territory, where things are arranged a bit differently. Sex is usually seen as big part of a normal healthy relationship, you share that territory with your significant other. Therefore, your significant other definitely has a say in what happens in that territory, whether you like it or not.

You can't just say "in an adult relationship, whatever objection she has to his porn shouldn't carry more weight than...". No. Who are you to tell what other adults can or can't do in their relationship? Something that is important in an adult relationship is respect. If one adult is hurting the other adult with certain media they consume then they should talk about it like adults, and resolve the issue like adults.

And, please, stop with your little jabs at women "her romance novels or cat videos". Stop being so demeaning, as if men never watch cat videos on the internet. Those little critter videos are adorable. Have you ever seen one? Of course you haven't. Psychopaths don't enjoy that type of entertainment.




Some women seem to believe their partner has “left” them for porn. No sane person does that. People do withdraw from sexual relationships for many reasons, often passively or without adequate discussion. That’s a legitimate thing to complain about. Criticizing a man’s porn watching as the “cause” of a couple’s poor or missing sex life is as cowardly as a man withdrawing sexually without explaining his dissatisfaction.
Pornography addiction is a real thing and alters the brain (source), as I have cited many times in this article (source), every time with different sources (source). It can break up a marriage or a relationship. Sometimes people even lose their job over it (source). Don't underestimate pornography in any way, shape, or form.

A wife being concerned about her husband's porn watching habits is not as cowardly as a husband withdrawing sexually because he is too much of a man-baby to express his dissatisfaction to his wife. The only coward in this scenario is the husband.

I would never, ever blame a woman for a man’s porn watching (as in, “Well honey, if you won’t let him come on your face, what do you expect?”). And while a few men do blame their partner, most men don’t (they don’t think porn watching needs an explanation).
In your last paragraph you literally reasoned that a reason that a man could be watching porn is because he is dissatisfied with his sex life. You are more or less blaming the woman for this. But here you are saying the opposite.

Just because most men think that watching porn does not need an explanation, does not mean that this is okay? If their wife wants an explanation, she deserves one. Again, relationships are about mutual respect and communication. The way mister Ph.D is arguing in this article is as if he does not even respect women. It is stupid. It makes you look stupid, Marty.

So why do women blame themselves? Why do women say “his porn watching makes me feel fat?” Or “I won’t do what those actresses do, and it’s not fair to compare me to them?" Unless a man looks at a woman and says she should look like a porn actress or perform like a porn actress, the woman shouldn’t say it to herself. And if the man says that, don’t blame porn. The guy is a jerk.
You are asking yourself two questions in this paragraph and you never answer them. Women ask themselves these things because they feel like they are not enough. When a woman gets married to a man, the woman thinks that they are their one and only; and now he is looking at other women who can look however he wants, do whatever he wants, with just a click of a button and no wife can compete with that.

I agree, women should never feel like they are not good enough, and if their husband tells their wife they should become or act like a certain porn actress, they should go and marry a porn actress. These men do not understand that they are married to a normal woman, whose job is not to look sexually enticing in front of a camera.

If a man keeps watching porn and reaching orgasm, he is rewarding his brain over and over again for watching porn (source). This way he is basically telling his brain to become aroused whenever he watches porn, and sooner or later he wont become aroused anymore when he tries to be sexually active with his wife (source).


Porn has been on earth forever, and it isn’t going away.
Slavery, rape, animal abuse, are all on earth forever and is probably not going away either, but does that make it okay? Just because something is on earth forever, doesn't mean that it is okay. This was a very poor and lazy argument, Marty.

Plenty of couples manage a satisfying sex life while one (or both) of them is a porn-watcher. On the other hand, some couples can’t manage a satisfying sex life even though neither of them watches porn. To those couples, I offer my sympathy, and my 2012 book—Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want From Sex, and How to Get It.
I recommend no one to read his book because I can already tell it is a disaster seeing how he wrote this article.

I do recommend to always talk to your partner whenever something is bothering you, no matter what it is. It doesn't matter if the "majority of people" agree or disagree with what you say or do, your feelings matter and your spouse should care for your feelings also. If you think that porn has no place in your relationship or marriage then you should discuss this with your spouse. No one can decide for you what is right or wrong or good or bad for your relationship. Only you and your partner can do that.

Some ways of thinking maintain couples' conflict about porn. So to help—not to criticize—I also offer the following questions for women who are in agony about their mate’s porn use:

* Why do you feel you have a right to a porn-free house, and why is that right more important than your husband’s right to have porn in his house?
* Why do you give your husband’s porn-watching meaning that he doesn’t give it? And why do you believe that your interpretation of his behavior is more accurate than his description of it?
* Why would you wreck a good relationship over his private behavior?
* Why would you wreck a good sexual relationship over his private behavior?
* Why is it OK for you hack into your husband’s private stuff? Is it OK for him to hack into your private stuff if he doesn't like what you're doing?
You criticized and talked down upon women this entire article, why stop now? And since you offered "women in agony" a few questions, I will offer "men who are okay with being jerks" some questions also:

*Why do you feel you have a right to consume pornography while being married, and why is that right more important than your wife's feelings?
*Why is it exactly that you watch pornography, what meaning do you give to it? Why do you believe your interpretation of your behavior will not hurt your wife's feelings?
*Why would you wreck a good relationship over consuming pornography?
*Why would you wreck a good sexual relationship over consuming pornography?
*Why is it OK to be secretive about your behavior, break promises, and lie to your wife about your private behavior? Is it OK for her to be secretive, break promises, and lie?


And most importantly,

* If you’re unhappy about your sex life, why not talk about that instead of talking about porn?
I was hoping this would end on a good note. But no. He has to fuck it up one last time. Dude, Marty, mister Ph.D, where in the world did anyone say they are unhappy about their sex life? Wasn't it you who argued that watching porn does not equal having a bad sex life? I am pretty sure that most women are just insecure and hurt when it comes to the porn watching, and it has nothing to do with their sex life in general. You even wrote, a paragraph above, in your questions list "Why would you wreck a good sexual relationship over his private behavior?" and now you are arguing that they might not be happy at all about their sex life? The mental gymnastics you went through to write this article have probably landed you a couple of gold medals at the mental olympics, 'cause damn dude. How are you a therapist again?

Sigh. I feel like I've said it all and I still have so much to say. I just hope no one took any advice out of the original article written by Marty Klein Ph.D, ever.

Important Endnote

While I have said all of that, and while my stance on porn is very loud and clear throughout the article, I just think it is important to start conversations with your significant other about porn. I think that women who are not comfortable with porn in their relationship should be able to speak up about this and not get laughed at. You have to be able to make agreements on this so both parties can be happy; because that is what relationships are all about: making compromises. You could agree to only watch porn together, or to record some stuff together (or solo stuff) so he can beat off to that, or you can decide to banish porn altogether from your relationship. That said, if your significant other can't give up something as simple as porn, why would you be with them? It is obvious porn is more important to them, right?

Yes, I think porn is ridiculous and dangerous for multiple reasons. But I think that when two adults (or more?) are in a relationship and they are okay with the porn use and no one's feelings get hurt then that is their business. Who am I to say what they can and can't do? I will never judge someone on their use, but I will always point them towards the dangers, and when I find out they are hurting their significant other with it, I will definitely speak up. I just want all the women out there to know, who are being hurt right now because of porn poisoning their relationships; they are not alone and it is okay to speak up.

Boys will be boys has been a thing for far too long. If women just have to be okay with their men watching porn and overcoming their problems with it, why can't men just ditch the porn, which is just a habit after-all and no emotions are attached, and deal with that. In theory, men ditching porn is easier than women overcoming their problems with porn.

Resources

For a big list of interesting articles and websites regarding this subject check out all the links posted by YourBrainOnPorn.

Also, for a masterpost with interesting quotes, links, and excerpts of bad things happening in the porn industry to porn actors and how porn affects users read this Anti Porn Masterpost.

I would also like everyone to watch these TED talks, as they are very informative, and may be easier to digest than reading this entire article: